The names here may or may not reflect the person’s real name. If someone wants to remain unknown, we will choose a different name for that person’s story. The goal is to help people, and anonymity is a valid personal choice for contributors. I will use a person’s name only if they give permission to do so.
This week I am pleased to share another of my own stories.
Here is Trust Your Gut: Tish’s Story; Part 31
Another week has come and gone. Thursday was yesterday. I am a little sorry that I am writing late this week, but my heart wasn’t in it yesterday, and I want to keep it real and honest with you all. I have suffered a loss nine days ago that has affected me more than I expected in some ways, and just as much as I thought it would in others. This loss was neither on a scale nor of inches.
There are two certainties in life. You are born, and you die. A dear friend of mine lost her battle with cancer nine days ago. I plan to speak at her Celebration of Life Ceremony tomorrow. While I was writing what I wanted to say and organizing my thoughts for that, I realized that it was more important for me to focus my attention on it when I decided to do it. I got a friend to give it a read through in an editorial sense, but because I drafted and edited it myself, she thought that it was a great piece of writing. So I am sorry if I let anyone down that is following my journey in this category, but all is not lost. I am here today, and I feel like writing. If the family is OK with me sharing my story after I read it tomorrow, you can expect to read a different kind of Weekend Warrior story later on this weekend.
So what brought me around, other than the guilt of missing my self-imposed deadline for the weekly story? I was watching another video along the lines of Branding, and learning more about how to be effective at it. Wait, what? How does this relate to a struggle with weight issues?
The guest speaker was talking about taking what makes you mad, and writing about it. Not an infuriating anger filled frustrated rant, but to use common sense thought processes and provide a solution. This is the basis of what I want to do here. I am mad that I am the way I am, physically, and health-wise. I write about what I need to do, and I learn new recipes and ways to improve my health and change what I am using for fuel in my body to have a positive outcome. I can write about it, I can think about it, I can talk about it, but the bottom line is, only I can care enough about myself to actually DO something about it.
I seem to be at opposing sides with my food choices. I will eat a really healthy meal, and then go WAY off track and have junk food or fast food. Willpower is certainly lacking in my life these days. I am struggling with some old monsters. They are ganging up on my inner light and causing me strife.
The feeling that I am never going to be good enough is a main contributing factor in why I weigh over 300 lbs. I get it from many sources in my life. My childhood was not bad, not at all, but sometimes the messages were not presented in a way to make me flourish. I don’t believe people when they compliment me right away. I need to hear things that are positive about a million times before I believe them, and then I get upset. I just don’t know how to accept compliments. I am working on this and getting better about thanking people when they say nice things. For me, this is a real struggle.
Work is another area where this arises. Workplace Bullying is wrong, no matter how subtle it is, or who the bully is. I am not singling out my current employers, let’s be clear about that. But when I see or experience it, it makes me feel like I am not good enough. I struggle with that internally, and it is not always somebody else’s fault. Sometimes I can be too sensitive. I am learning to stand up for myself, and this is not easy for me to do, either. As I learn, I have to make mistakes. Picking battles is a trickier thing than you think it is. If I was to cry out about every little thing that happened in my life, people would stop listening, stop reading, and stop caring. Then I would be alone and back to doubting myself.
Sometimes the monsters are on the outside. That is something that makes me angry. People that abuse power are the worst kind of bullies, and I come from a long history of being a victim. I struggle every day to be a good person. It tears me up inside when that is perceived to be not good enough. At this point, I can react in two different ways. I can hide, and cry until I have no more tears. Or I can speak out. I am doing more talking, and it does not always go as well as I plan it in my head. Some things are not OK, and some things need to be confronted. When things backfire, I do hide for a bit, until I deal with my feelings of being hurt. Sometimes I can be overzealous in my attempts to stand up for myself. In these cases, I do get upset, but these days I stand to face the music, instead of turning tail and running.
Still not sure how I am planning to tie this all together? Well, the ugly monsters inside are the worst ones of all. The inner bully that kicks you when you are down and sucker punches you when you weren’t looking is pure evil. We all have the negative self-talk, the hard feelings about one thing or another that we let win. I have been doing a little too much of that this month. I am letting the monster win, and that is not going to end well. I have two choices. I can do nothing, or I can do something about it. I think it is time to take action and kick some monster butts. I feel the inner glow getting a little brighter as I wrote that. I needed to get it out. So I am going to take my common sense and use it to change what makes me angry. For this category, that means I am going to start making better choices and be the change I want to see in myself. One thing at a time, one choice at a time, one story at a time.
Trust Your Gut.